


Not your first love

by popsicleisstick1223



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Changki shipper, First Love, Forgive Me, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Sad Lim Changkyun | I.M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-26
Packaged: 2019-08-26 01:15:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16671982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/popsicleisstick1223/pseuds/popsicleisstick1223
Summary: Lim Changkyun hated the word love or the idea of falling in love after what happened to his parents. Will his perspective about love change when he met Kihyun?





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I DON'T KNOW WHY I MADE THIS. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME POSTING MY WORK SO PLEASE BE GENTLE WITH ME I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING!

It was the end of the month October when I met Kihyun hyung. I can say how beautiful he is even though he's crying his heart out. I wanted to take a sit near him, comfort him, give him hugs, and make sure that he'll end up smiling. I don't know what happened. All I know is that ever since that day I keep on bumping onto him. 

I don't believe on love at first nor love or more so the idea of falling in love. I know how it works. You'll meet someone, you'll love inr another, and in the long run you'll just end up hurting one another not minding those people who rely on the love you promise to cherish for the rest of your life. I'm no bitter person. It's just that, my parents showed me how love and relationship works and it's pretty exhausting to the point that I don't like it anymore. I don't want to be devastated just like my mother for I hate to be the reason for someone's pain but with Kihyun hyung everything's different.

At first, I'm contented just by looking at him from a far. He's my classmate on my minor subjects and if I'm not mistaken he's taking up acting while I'm taking up music. He's really pretty. His smiles are different and in my eyes his the perfect human being that ever existed and it's not like homosexuality is an issue in fact, I'm glad and it made it easy for me that almost every one is accepting homosexual relationships. 

Again, I don't know what happened that I end up having a project with Kihyun hyung. My heart beats faster than usual that I'm afraid he could hear. My palms are sweating real hard that I keep on drying it by my pants. And I think my world just exploded when he started talking to me. 

"So that's my idea on how this project would be" I nodded at Kihyun hyung. He just discussed his ideas on our upcoming project.

"I think we can go along with that. I actually liked your idea hyung" 

"Hyung?" he looked at me with his confused expression and I made sure to keep myself together from cooing him. 

"I'm actually a year younger than anyone in this class" 

"Heol. Did you advance classes?" 

"Uhm. I actually skipped a year because my teacher told me that I can so I gave it a shot and I guess it wasn't a problem tho?" I don't know why I suddenly felt flustered talking about this when I never felt this way when it's another people whom I'm talking about. 

"You're an amazing person Kyun-ah" I blushed at his comment. 

"Ah so cute~" and I just blushed more. 

Ever since that day I found myself getting more attached to hyung since we're always together. He always ask me to come with him and I obliged of course. I learned a lot about him like he used to live with his best friend Hyungwon and even though he's a really lazy and lanky person he loves him so much and of course I felt a pang of jealousy while he's telling me a story of them but I can't fuck it up right? I know I said I hate the feeling of love but it's very different with Kihyun hyung. He's different. And I'm willing to take all the risk for him. 

It was snowing when Kihyun hyung texted me and asked me if we could meet and since I don't have something to do I agreed and I guess I made the right decision even though the cold weather is freezing me to death. 

That day hyung asked me on a date.


	2. Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things got a little bit angsty

It's been 7 months since we started dating and I couldn't be more happier. We lived together. We share kisses, we go on dates, we cuddled a lot and that's when I can proudly say that I am finally enjoying and living the best out of my life. That if I ever meet my old self I'll tell him that love is something wonderful that doesn't need to be scared of. That it was worth to take the risk because Kihyun hyubg brings out the best in me. He's my other half, my everything. I'm willing to give him everything because he's something that I can't live without. Until his best friend, Hyungwon hyung began dating Minhyuk hyung. 

I noticed how he got worried on Hyungwon hyung like he really does but not so much until now. He keeps on paying attention to him that he forgets our important dates. At first it was okay. He's his best friend. They've been together eveb before hyung met me. It also got to the point that he sleep over more than the usual on Hyungwon hyung's apartment when he found out that him and Minhyuk hyung will live together. I'm not feeling good about it but I keep quiet. Because I love hyung. I keep waiting for him because I know he would still come back home to me. I got this feeling that maybe he likef Hyungwon hyung but I'm shaking it off because I know he loves me and maybe I'm forgetting that this scenes are almost the same as my parents story. 

It was our first anniversary. We decided to have a party. Me, Kihyun, Minhyuk, and Hyungwon hyung. We just had drinks in our apartment until things got a little bit out of hand. Kihyun and Minhyuk hyung was both drunk that they keep on blabbering things while me and Hyungwon hyung are sober. When we decided that it's time for Hyungwon hyung and Minhyuk hyung to go home Kihyun hyung suddenly spoke

"Hyungwonnieeeeeeeeee~ please don't gooooo~ stay here with meeee. I still love you and I can't understand why we broke up. I can't stand seeing you with Minhyuk. It breaks my heart please come back to mee. You're the only person I really love" then he started crying out loud. I don't know what to say I don't know how to act. I was just frozen at my spot. 

"Kyun-ah, please don't misunderstand this" Hyungwon hyung suddenly says. He sighed before speaking again

"I loved Kihyun yes. We are each other's first love. We decided to try it out at first but it didn't work so we broke up and we still choose to remain as best friends. I love Minhyuk and I know Kihyun loves you too. He's just drunk. Please talk to him when his on his best state. Don't think about whatbhe said okay? We're heading now. Please Kyun-ah" hearing those words I think my world just crashed. I can clearly hear my heart shattering into pieces and when the door was shut I bursted out crying. 

I knew it. I fucking knew it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's still a part 3 and thay would br the last omg I hope I'm doing this right


	3. Last part

Dear Kihyun hyung, 

I know it's crazy to leave things like this but it hurts you know? It fucking hurts me that I'm not your first love because you are my. It hurts so much that I can't breathe properly. I knew it. I had this gut feeling that there is something between you and Hyungwon hyung. I was really jealous when you tell me stories about him or the both of you. I'm a fool that I only realized that the sparks you had on your eyes when you talked about him is not about how strong your bond as friends is but instead it's about how much you still love him. 

Those important dates you keep on forgetting I was really sad because you had remembered the day Hyungwon hyung's very first pet died yet you forgot our anniversary date. I already had that feeling that you didn't want Minhyuk hyung to be Hyungwon's hyung boyfriend because you still want to work things out between the both of you. It pained me how you said you still love him and he's the only person you love because I love you so much. I love you so much that I know I can't love without you. 

I hope remembered when I told you that I hate falling in love and such because of my parents. But look me? The things that happened between us is exactly the same thing that had happened between my parents. It's like I opened the healing wound I had but this time it was too deep that I don't know how to handle it. I really really love you that I'm willing to give you everything that I can. I thought maybe I'm suffocating you with our relationship? Maybe I should wasn't enough to replace Hyungwon hyung because that's the only thing I csn think of why you choose to date me. 

But don't worry hyung! I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself for not being enough for you to love me more than you love Hyungwon hyung. I even thought if you really did love me? Because hyung I think I can't handle it if you would tell me you didn't. I love you so much that I think I should let you out of this shitty relationship. I'll miss everything about you hyung! I'll miss those dates, those smiles, those giggles, your warmth, everything! But I know I can't anymore because I'm not the one you wanted to do it with. Please don't blame yourself for this. It's all my fault I know. Always take care okay? 

\- Changkyun :) 

I folded my letter and put it above the table where he can see it immediately. I'm doing a reckless decision right? I know I should talk with hyung when he's sober but I can't. I can't handle another rejection from the person I really love the most. 

I made sure to left my things because it will just made me think of our memories together. I just bring my phone and wallet and kissed Kihyun hyung for the last time. 

I suddenly realized why he was crying the first time I meet him. Oh how a fool I could even be! Well I hope Gwangju could give me a new beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally this is doneeeee!!!!!!!!!

**Author's Note:**

> I didn't you know proofread this because I made this at midnight when I suddenly felt angsty hehehehe it's bad I know but I still wanted to do this lol


End file.
